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48 days…

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My last blog post was about how my Jazzy girl was getting better and now I’m finally blogging that she lost her fight.  It’s been 48 days….48 very hard days.  If you follow me on any social media you probably think, “wow, she’s handling this great”.  But that’s not true. I have very few days where I don’t go to bed in tears…I’m hidden away and alone so nobody can see them.  Truth is…it’s been really really hard.  I have good days and bad days, and some really bad days.

I know it probably sounds really crazy to some people and not so much to others, but for 10 years it was basically just me and her.  I don’t think anyone can really understand until they’ve been through the same exact thing and as a single person.  It’s different when you have a pet with a significant other or a family, you have that person or persons to lean on, to help make decisions and to grieve with.   I was not in that situation, it was me and her, i was her sole caregiver and had to make all decisions regarding her on my own, i was home alone when she passed, again, it was just me and her.

For those that don’t know the story about the last few days before she passed i’ll tell you know…and write it out so I can remember years down the road even though it’s not a great memory.

A few days before Jasmine passed she started limping again, she had been doing great for like two weeks and then it just started again.  We had a vet appointment on Thursday and just upped her pain meds before then.  We went to the vet Thursday and had X-Rays done of her neck (the area we had been treating).

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The X-Rays came back great! No problem there.  The vet listened to her belly and wasn’t too happy with what she heard but just thought she had an upset stomach.  We went ahead and did a laser therapy treatment, got new food and meds for her belly and went home.  That night things got really bad.  Jasmine didn’t want to move.  When she was just laying down she would cry out in pain which NEVER happened.  Heck, she fell down the stairs and didn’t cry then.  Then around 3am she got to the point where she would just pace, cry, come lay her head on my shoulder, and cry some more.  At this point she was in so much pain I decided to take her to the emergency vet right then instead of waiting for the regular vet to open.

When we got to the emergency vet they could tell right away that she was in a lot of pain.  They did an examination on her and were not happy with what they saw in her back end.  They recommended doing more x-rays on her hind end and belly and blood work.  They warned me that when they did these x-rays they would need to sedate her and it can be really hard on older dogs.  I then had to basically sign a DNR in case she went into cardiac arrest….I told them to do whatever they needed to do to keep her alive. I just wasn’t ready.

An hour or so later they were done and called me back for the results.  I can’t remember exactly everything they said, by this point I had been awake for over 24 hours.  The blood work showed problems one of which was that she was anemic and some other weird things.  The belly x-ray showed a mass in her tummy and something irregular with her spleen and the hind end x-ray showed lesions on her spine.  This didn’t give definite answers so they wanted to do more testing including a biopsy, meet with a radiologist and tons of other things….at this point I just could afford any more.  And Jasmine wouldn’t have been able to take anymore.  I still wasn’t ready to let her go so I just told them to make her comfortable so she’s not in pain and we will see what happens.  They put her on different pain meds and a patch on her skin that is a very strong pain med.  I later learned that the patch is what they give cancer patients.  They told me the patch would take about 8-10 hours to kick in.

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We finally got home and it was pretty much torture.  Jasmine wouldn’t move at all.  That picture above is the last time she would go outside.  The poor girl tried to go to the bathroom and just fell and laid there.  I just let her relax outside and we just cuddled.  Thankfully a friend of mine was over and when it was time to go in she helped me get her up and inside.  That night Jasmine laid in the middle of the floor and didn’t move.  A few friends came over to say their goodbyes because we all knew it was just a matter of time before she gave up her fight.  A friend came over and took her IV out because the vet forgot to and informed me that the pain meds she was on can really slow down her respiratory system and that she just may not wake up.  She also asked if I had told Jasmine that it was okay to go, okay to let go.  I had been telling her this whole time to fight and hold on! I was being selfish.  That night I slept on the floor with her and told her if she was ready she could go, and that I would be okay without her.

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Thankfully she made it through the night.  That next morning my sister, brother-in-law, mom and nephew came over to give her some cuddles.  My nephew LOVES Jasmine.  Anytime we facetime he always wants to see her and give her kisses and hugs through the phone. 🙂 I wanted him to be able to see her one last time….i needed that more than anyone else.

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Shortly after this everyone left and it was just me and her again.  I gave her lots of hugs and kisses and told her I would get her some ice-cream later that day.  I got in the shower (the first time i had left her side in 20 hours or so) and when I came out she was gone.  I think she knew that I couldn’t be there with her when it happened.  My mom came over and we wrapped her up and took her to the vet.  That process, putting her in the car, driving to the vet and then watching them take her away was the worst thing ever.  That is the vision I can’t get out of my mind.  I wish I was in a home that I knew I would be in forever so I could have buried her in the backyard but that’s just not possible right now.

A few days later my regular vet called to express her sadness with me losing Jasmine and asked if I was up for telling her what happened.  I explained everything, she saw the x-rays and said she believed the lesions in her spine were cancer.  She told me that once that becomes painful there is basically nothing that can be done to ease the pain.  Unfortunately we don’t have a 100% conclusive answer that that was the issue but they are pretty sure.

I know Jasmine is in a better place and is not in any pain anymore but I selfishly wish she was still here.  I know people may think I’m crazy, and they probably think it’s just a dog, get over it…and that’s fine, I feel sorry for those people.  The love of a dog is the most selfless love anyone will ever receive.  You are their one and only, they live to please you, they don’t judge, they don’t get mad at you, the are constantly wanting your attention, approval and love.  They don’t care what you look like, how much money you have, what you’ve done wrong in the past, they just love you anyways.  I miss that love from my baby.  I miss her greeting me when I get home.  I miss her cuddles when I’m sad.  I miss her unconditional love.

People ask when I will get another dog….and I won’t for a while.  I just can’t go through this again alone.  Maybe when i’m married! ha. But we all know that won’t be for a while.

So anyways….love on your pets.  You just never know when they will be gone.  I thought Jazzy was doing so much better and then within 48 hours she was gone.  She was the greatest pup and the best friend a girl could ever have.  I know I wouldn’t have survived the last 10 years without her and I know I will never forget the love she gave me over the last 10 years.

Thank you to everyone who was there to support me through this hard time.  It was such a blessing that my sister and her family were in town from CA and my grandparents and aunt and uncle were in town as well.  God knew that was the right weekend to take her because I was surrounded by so much love.  My friends have been completely amazing through all of this as well with keeping me busy and I can’t thank everyone enough.  You all are the best.

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l11

❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

**FYI – I’m not proof-reading this so sorry for any spelling or grammatical errors***

One thought on “48 days…

  1. Jazzy was a lucky puppy and you a lucky doggie mom. I pray your memories help to keep your heart from totally breaking. You are right they love us like no one else total incondtional love…. Hugs my friend

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